So, I was pleasantly surprised the other day, as I found out the remaining four members of our group here at work were being given a 3-month stay of execution, thus enabling us to keep our jobs until the end of November.
And, although it isn’t the permanent fix I was hoping would come along, this at the very least enables me to keep a regular paycheck coming in for the next couple months and - more importantly - kept me from having to spend the entire weekend searching for gainful employment.
However, since this is only temporary, I’ll still need to come up with a better, long-term solution. The problem with that is, my actual work experience qualifies me for little more than shuffling paperwork at a bank/mortgage company/law firm or manually masturbating caged animals for artificial insemination.
Okay, that’s not entirely true - I don’t have any actual work experience in that. It’s only a pastime for me.
Whenever I get into discussing the conundrum that is my work situation, people would always ask me, “What are you good at doing?” and I would always get stumped. I never really bothered to sit and think about the things that I’m really good at doing, and thus, it never really occurred to me.
So, that’s when I decided to sit down and really think about the things that I’m legitimately good at doing. And, it was hard. It took me almost 20 minutes. Doesn’t mean I didn’t come up with a good list, though.
And, with that, I offer you this…
Jobs that would be perfect for me:
Director of Completely Useless Information: Ever wondered the name of the actor who played Richie’s older brother for one season on Happy Days? Ever wonder what groups Shirley Manson was the singer of before she was in Garbage? Sure, you could look up Wikipedia to find these things out - or you could just ask me. I have a disturbingly large amount of completely useless information trapped in this brain of mine. Granted, I can’t remember the phone conversation I just had with my wife five minutes ago, but I can recite the lyrics to a song I haven’t heard in over 20 years like I just heard it. Clearly that has to be good for something, right?
Training Dummy: As I mentioned previously, I am an avid practitioner of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. However, as I have learned throughout my life - one’s enthusiasm towards a particular craft or activity does not always equate into success at said craft or activity. In other words, I suck. However, I have also learned that - at least during class - I seem to have a rather high threshold for pain. So, instead of paying $50 a month for people to bend and twist me like one big, sweaty piece of human origami - why not just have people pay me for the privilege? There has to be a couple bucks to be made there, methinks.
Blog writer: Um, on second thought….
Idea Guy: I’m great for coming up with all sorts of really good, conceivably profitable ideas. Unfortunately, I’m horrible with actually following through on any of them. The ideal solution here would be to team up with someone who has all the initiative in the world, but is as dumb as a rock. I know there’s plenty of the latter in the world, surely one of those folks has to have a little drive, right?
New Music Finder: One of the things in this world I truly enjoy doing is finding new music. I’m a huge fan of indie music, and nothing is more exciting than finding a group that no one has listened to before and seeing them hit it big a year later. (Well, until they do hit it big, become complete sell-outs and have one or more original members die of a heroin overdose. But, I digress…)
Man-Whore: Look, I’m a guy. I like sex. (I know, shocking, right?) My wife, God love her, tries her hardest to placate my disgusting man needs as much as humanly possible. But let’s be realistic - anyone who has been in my presence for more than 15 minutes at a time usually becomes violently ill - so how can I possibly expect her to put out for me more than three or four times a year, tops? Granted, the notion that my own wife finds me physically nauseating flies directly in the face of the logic of actually trying to get paid for performing any sort of sexual activity, but - yet again - I digress. Besides, there are all sorts of fetish videos out there (um… or so I’ve been told), so I’m sure I could carve a niche in there somewhere.
Professional Complainer: If there’s one thing I do better than anyone I know, its complain. Dare I say - I am the Babe Ruth of complaining. In fact, between my thimble-like bladder and award-winning temperament, the fact that I’m not a 90-year old man is amazing to me. My complaints are usually about the same dumb things (driving, my job, the inherent stupidity of the general public) but carry all the vitriol of a man twice my age. It’s quite impressive to be honest with you. How it translates into an actual work environment is beyond me, but that’s beside the point.
So, as you can plainly see, I have plenty to offer any prospective employer. After all, who wouldn’t want to have in their midst, someone around who constantly bitches about everything, can turn you onto great music, tell you all you need to know about the cast of Laverne & Shirley and may or may not provide sexual favors for the right price? Sounds like a win-win proposition if you ask me.
Um, then again, maybe I’d be better off looking into self-employment.
No comments:
Post a Comment