So, the UFC held their most recent event this weekend, and much to my delight, a couple buddies called up and asked if I wanted to get together to watch it.
And then, much to my chagrin, they suggested heading out to the local watering hole to do so.
Now, usually, when we want to get our monthly dose of controlled violence – one of us will purchase the pay-per-view broadcast and we’ll all get together at the house of choice, have some drinks, watch the fights, get a little crazy and maybe have a circle jerk or two.
Okay, I made that up – we don’t drink.
Seriously, though – it is by far a much more enjoyable experience to watch the fights at someone’s house. There are no crowds, you don’t come home smelling like smoke – unless you want to, you’re not overpaying for watered-down drinks, someone usually supplies some food and you can actually hear what the announcers are saying.
And, most importantly, you don’t have to go out to a bar.
Back in the day, I used to enjoy heading out to a bar to watch a game or a big fight. The crowd usually provided a nice backdrop – especially if you were all rooting for the same team. You didn’t have to worry about cleaning up afterward and if you were lucky enough to meet up with a fine young lady, you could always head back to your place for a little “postgame discussion.”
Now, however, as I have gotten older, I have also gotten cheaper, more anti-social and less single. Thus, the draw of the bar scene has dwindled significantly for me. This is especially true on fight nights. Sure there’s some fantastic people watching to be had, but with that comes a much less desirable element to contend with.
For, example, there’s “Fight Guy.”
Fight guy is an interesting breed. You can normally find him in his natural habitat – which is either at a sports bar showing a UFC event or coming out of the Hot Topic or PacSun store in your local mall. He’s usually wearing a two-sizes too small Affliction or Tapout t-shirt, ripped jeans (regardless of the temperature outside), chain wallet, multiple tattoos and at least one random piercing. He also has a permanent scowl on his face that becomes increasingly more pronounced as the night goes on (and the drinks go down).
Subsequently, he’s also the guy who forgets that he’s just some random jerk off in a bar and not one of the guys fighting on the TV. Therefore, he’s looking for any reason whatsoever to get into a fight with someone. Be it an accidental bump, perceived glance at his date or just walking within arm’s reach – it doesn’t matter. If “Fight Guy” decides its time to go – its time to go, and you don’t want to be anywhere near him when that happens.
Unless, of course, you have a modicum of self-defense skill – or just know better and stand up to him – in which case he’ll turn tail and continue sipping on his Sex on the Beach. Unfortunately, Fight Guy casts just an imposing enough shadow that most men who cross his path will back down – which only empowers him. It’s fascinating to watch from afar – not at all unlike watching jackal pick at the remains of a zebra in the wild – but utterly terrifying if you happen to be unwitting recipient of Fight Guy’s wrath.
Thankfully, I’ve been lucky enough to avoid Fight Guy up to this point. Fortunately, Fight Guy sticks out like a sore thumb, so he’s easy enough to avoid if you’re paying attention. However, his mere presence makes every trip to the restroom a perilous one – as you never know what may set him off at any given moment.
And though most people with an I.Q. over 10 can easily outwit Fight Guy, you’re best off to be as far away as possible when it happens, just in case.
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