This is my first new post since I started this thing. Feel free to alert the media - I'll wait.
Okay then...
Okay – so let me give you all a little back story on this one:
One of the message boards I frequent has had in recent months a couple of all-star trolls on there. For those not familiar (read: aren’t as big of a geek as I am) the term “troll” in the message board community refers to someone who only posts for the sole purpose of getting a rise out of people; either by being a keyboard tough guy; pretending to be someone they aren’t (ie: a dude pretending to be a hot chick); or constantly posting outlandish stories, claiming them to be true.
Anyhow, two of the trolls on this particular board referred to themselves as TapOutMaster, or TOM for short; and Jack McVitie. TOM’s big post on the board was that he developed a special hybrid form of jiu jitsu, which he called Spanish Jiu Jitsu. He claimed to teach this “deadly form of jiu jitsu” in his garage to whomever wanted to join him. And, if they didn’t have enough money to pay him, he would accept services or other things in trade. One of his students was a 16 year old boy, who just so happened to be in a bar with him, when he got in a fight with a large African-American man who called him a “Fat Mexican” and subdued him with a move he called the "bare naked choke."
(For those of you unaware, the move is called "rear naked choke" which - admittedtly - isn't much better, but it makes a big difference).
Jack’s claim to fame was that he took out five different guys, after they started to pick on him for wearing an Affliction t-shirt as he was coming out of the movie, “Never Back Down” which is about mixed martial arts fighting. He claims to have shouted out, “Who wants some more of Hollywood Jack?” after supposedly taking out the last of his attackers. He even went so far as to take pictures of himself wearing his two Affliction shirts… and a mouth piece that he allegedly kept with him at all times, since – as he put it, “You never know what’s around the corner, man.”
So, after the TOM post, I theorized that his mysterious 16-year old student was none other than Jack McVitie himself. Subsequently, I then began to envision the scenario that may have actually occurred on the night that TOM was allegedly attacked.
(For the record – yes, I do realize how much of an utter geek this whole thing makes me appear – but look, I’m two years away from turning 40 and I’m a married father of two in a go-nowhere job that I can’t stand – what sort of dignity am I clinging to at this point?)
In any event – my little version of the events goes something like this:
The scene: a grimy bar, somewhere in southern California. An unassuming looking middle-aged man and his young apprentice take a seat at a table and pontificate over the day’s events . . .
THE MASTER: You know, Jackie – I do so love our times following a day in the gara . . . um, I mean the gym. It is such an exhilarating feeling to spend these moments together.
HOLLYWOOD JACK: [mumbles]
TM: Jack, its okay – we are in the bar now . . . you can take out your mouthpiece.
HJ: I agree, Sensei. But Sensei, I must ask . . . why do you insist I rub down with this baby oil before we roll?
TM: Do not question your Master, Jackie. In time, all will be understood. And for the last time – stop calling me Sensei.
HJ: Yes, Sensei.
Just then – an African-American patron of the bar leans in to their table . . .
BAR PATRON: Excuse me, could I borrow your ketchup, please?
TM: My Lord, look at the size of this specimen. You are a monster – what are you, 6’8”? 6’10”?
BP: Uh . . . I’m 5’11”.
TM: How dare you take that tone with me, Sir! What have I done to provoke this tirade? Yes, I may be a little overweight, but to call me ‘fat” is simply unacceptable. I do not care to fight you, kind sir – but, if you do not leave at once, I will be forced to thrash you.
BP [looking confused]: Um . . . all I wanted was the ketchup, dude. Nevermind.
TM: That is it! [stands up from the table] You have tarnished the good name of The Master and humiliated me in front of my young protégé. Let us step outside and I will commence upon giving you the beating you so richly deserve.
BP: Man, you’re f***ing nuts. I’ll just eat at home.
TM [following the bar patron outside]: Stand back, Jackie and watch how your master throttles this hooligan.
HJ [putting in his mouth piece]: Yes, Sensei.
The Master follows the bar patron out to the parking lot. Before the bar patron can get to his car, The Master swoops in front of him.
TM: Do not try to run now, you scoundrel. Your fate has been sealed. I shall have you know that I am a Master of 163 different variations of jiu jitsu, a quadruple black belt in Joo Go Now Karate and have a very special bunny rabbit belt in Moo Goo Judo. I will now give you one last opportunity to make penance for your transgressions – otherwise I will have no other option than to beat you unmerciful.
BP: Now you’re starting to piss me off. Get away from me, weirdo.
The bar patron starts to step past The Master, but as he does, The Master throws a weak punch, which the bar patron barely feels. However, upon following through, The Master’s arm knocks the bar patron’s dinner out of his hand and it spills all over the ground.
BP [pushing up his sleeves]: That’s it. You’re a dead man.
The bar patron grabs The Master and proceeds to reign blows down on The Master’s head. Seeing his master in peril, young Jack stands up and mumbles something. After realizing he still has his mouth piece in, he removes it and tries again.
HJ: Sensei, I can’t believe this man attacked you in such a cowardly way. Let me help you!
TM [in between blows to the head]: No . . . Jackie . . . I . . . have . . . him . . . just . . . where . . . I . . . want . . . him.
HJ: Give him the Bare Naked Choke, Sensei!
TM [still getting hit]: I . . . said . . . don’t . . . call . . . me . . . Sensei.
HJ: NEVER BACK DOWN, SENSEI!! NEVER BACK DOWN!!
The Master goes to say something else, but loses consciousness. Jack runs over and tries to kick the bar patron, but completely misses and lands on his back – much like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football away – and knocks himself unconscious as well. Two hours later, the two of them regain consciousness and gingerly walk back towards their car.
HJ: Boy, you really showed that guy a thing or two, Sensei!
TM: Shut up, Jackie.
