[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Today’s post contains subject matter of a frank and sexual nature. If you are easily offended by such discussion - well, you probably shouldn’t be reading this in the first place, so deal with it.
Moreover, if you are under the age of 18 - get your ass in school where you belong and leave the grown ups alone to talk like the filthy, disgusting pigs that we are.
Thank you for your cooperation.]
Back in my young, swinging single days, I was a bit of a player.
Sure, by “player” I really mean, “playing with myself” - but I was a player nonetheless.
Actually, I did alright for myself - especially given the fact that I looked like a cancer victim with lots of hair for most of my early 20’s. As freaky as some people in the world are, there are apparently even few kind hearted souls that are into skinny, dark-haired dorks with bad breath and a penchant for crying incessantly.
Personally, I’m a fairly open-minded person when it comes to sex. There’s not much that I either haven’t tried - or wouldn’t consider trying in the future. I mean, hey - variety is the spice of life, and just because I’m married doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of options out there for a young, healthy married couple like My Baby's Mama and me to give a try.
Back when I was single, on the other hand, I tried my fair share of things. One thing I never did, however, is answer a personal ad. Of course, by personal ad I’m not talking about the sweet, little matchmaker type ads on Match.com or eHarmony.com, but instead the “horny, kinky little freak looking for some horny, kinky action,” type of ads that you generally find in your city’s free weekly newspapers (for example, back in Cleveland, where I’m from originally, they have “Scene” and in Boston, where I also used to live, you had “The Phoenix”).
Its not that I never had the desire to answer one of these ads - I mean, what horny 20-something wouldn’t like to spend a little time with a “busty 40-year old woman who likes giving oral and wants to teach you the meaning of discipline?”
Exactly.
It’s just that - and maybe this is a byproduct of my reading one too many true crime novels as a younger fella - but I was always convinced that if I had answered an ad like that, “busty 40-something” would have actually been “overweight 50-something” and “woman” would have actually been “post-op serial killer.”
Thus, I never answered one.
However, that never stops me from reading them from time to time. Granted, I don’t pick up the free weekly papers much any more, since my nightlife pretty much consists of … well, I don’t really have what you would refer to as an actual “nightlife” anymore, but regardless, when I do grab one, I always get a kick out of looking at the personal ads. If anything, they make a much more entertaining read than the majority of drivel that’s printed in some of these rags.
So, after picking one up last week, the wheels in my head went round and round and thus, you’re left with this.
* THE PERSONAL ADS OF THE WEEK *
- GWM, 45, seeks clean, hung men, straight/gay/bi, that enjoy receiving great oral. No reciprocation necessary. I have a place in the Dilworth area.
[…which is perfect for hiding bodies]
- 29-year old Portuguese playmate for you. I’m flirty, hot, kinky and lots of trouble.
[In other words: I will bang you so good, you won’t even realize I’m robbing you blind]
- Barely legal, fiery stunning red-head, 5’6’”, into bondage, oral, toys, swapping, much more. Wants to rock with smart, intellectual woman. Willing to try new things.
[Like learning simple English? I mean, do you know many dumb, intellectual women?]
- Woman in 30’s looking for a playmate from 18-29 for fun and exotic times. I have been bad and need to be spanked.
[Haven’t we all?]
- Spastic semi-goddess, intense, creative, visual hedonist, seeking similarly hip, uninhibited, intelligent, sexy woman for occasional city trysts. Seduce with sexual creativity, strawberries, chocolate or Portishead.
[…or overuse of adjectives]
- Voluptuous attractive woman, 40’s, shapely, busty 38DD, seeks woman for Bi-love, lasting friendship desired, also 3somes with MY attractive hubby. Let’s get together.
[I love you . . .]
- Attractive, well endowed Bi-male seeks couple man & woman or dominant female or man for safe, adventurous erotic fun.
[“Safe, adventurous, erotic fun”… sounds like the tagline for any random Skinemax movie…]
- Blindfolded WF with arms harnessed, loves men touching and cuming on me. Seeking Bi-sexual male who’s kinky in a fun way to please me and my partner.
[“Kinky in a fun way”… i.e. no serial killers]
- House parties held weekends. Relaxed, non-pushy fun and entertaining. New, curious couples and single females welcome. Meet new, swinging friends this weekend.
[Why are there never any of these ads that say couples or single MEN, you wonder? Because if they did these parties would be one huge sausage fest, with 50 nasty-looking, horny losers and the wife of the guy hosting it.]
- Caught on film. Lickable, sleek aerodynamic white couple.
[Aerodynamic? What is this, an ad for sex or to get members for the Jamaican bobsled team?]
- Looking for sly, witty, seductive, artistic partner for photo/video shoots, homemade pornography, playing with toys.
[In other words: I want to become a porn producer, so I’ll let you bang my wife so long as you don’t mind me selling the film on the internet and not cutting you in on the profits.]
- MWM interested in servicing your female partner. Good size and stamina. Call if this service excites you.
[I’m horny and want to nail your wife.]
- Relax and enjoy. Sensual couple, early 40’s with desirable attributes seeking honest, sensual, attractive partners for group sex.
[Desirable attributes = plenty of Ecstasy]
- Think it’d be sexy to see your wife be sexual? Think we’d enjoy sharing her? Would she enjoy double stimulation? Let’s talk, gentlemen.
[I just got released after a 12 month stint in County Jail and need sex so badly, I’m even willing to have my twig and berries in the same general vicinity as yours just to get a little.]
- Have beers, watch XXX videos while an attractive WM strokes you for pleasure.
[Um… unless WM is code for “hot female porn star” I think I’ll pass.]
- Dad seeks son. South Park area GWM, 52, seeks nice guy under 25 for mutually rewarding relationship.
[I’m an unappealing rich man who will pay you immensely to have sex with me.]
- Masculine WM looking to help you with your household jobs BIG or small, around your home in the nude. All welcome. If it’s broke or unhung, I can take care of it.
[Unhung… like, say… your husband?]
- 40-year old WM in open relationship seeks open, safe sane consensual d/d free man or woman for body worship, nipple play, cross dressing, bondage. I love to receive anal. Open to many things.
[No shit.]
- Kinky gay boys submit to straight/Bi sex. Handsome, tall, lanky BiAM, 37, seeks tall thin blond experimental GM or couples for bi threesome and foursomes. Contact Rob.
[I… um, uh… no comment.]
