Oops I Did It Again...

Well, if this isn't just about great timing...

I was looking through some more of my old articles, and I found a celebrity interview that I completely forgot I even did. I thought I only had three - and was going to post the third one up here tonight - but found this one instead.

The timing is great, because the subject of this interview just made a major splash at last evening's MTV Video Music Awards (which I admit to having watched - and will follow up with a post on that shortly).

Anyhow, I just found it and didn't bother to re-read it, so if it sucks - I apologize.

Regardless - here you go...

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If there’s one thing I’ve come to learn in my short time here at the Lounge, it’s that there’s no short supply of people willing to make asses of themselves in this world. Be it in Hollywood or on the goddamned T ride into work, rest assured that somewhere – there’s some ass clown doing something stupid that’s eventually going to get them splattered all over the front pages of tabloids everywhere.

And, when they do – I’ll be there to get the exclusive story.

Case in point: today I have for you – my loving, caring, loyal readers – an exclusive one-on-one interview with the newly divorced queen of pop, Britney Spears. Thanks to a call to a friend of a friend of a friend – and the promise of a few more slightly unorthodox sexual favors – I was able to procure the first interview with the 22-year old diva since her wedding to George Costanza was annulled on Monday.

Spears was upbeat and at ease throughout the entire interview, possibly due to the five apple martinis she consumed during the 45-minute session. She also kept making reference to “that filthy slut Cameron” but refused to elaborate any further.

Here now – in its entirety – The New Empire Lounge interviews Britney Spears


NEW EMPIRE LOUNGE: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us, Britney.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Oh, you stop that now, Rob – you know I’ll do anything for you.

NEL (embarrassed): Yeah, well . . .

BS: So, have you given any more thought to what I asked you before?

NEL: Yeah, you know – it’s really nice of you to offer, but I’m a happily married man and it just wouldn’t be right.

BS: Well, just know that the offer is still standing.

NEL: Um . . . well, thanks.

BS: You got it, sugar.

NEL: Anyhow, the big question on everybody’s mind is – what happened in Vegas?

BS: You know, Hon, it was just one of those crazy things. We were all out drinking and having a good time and all of a sudden I was starting to feel a little bad, thinking about Justin and that whole fiasco with Ryan Perry and so Jason came out to cheer me up. We were talking and goofing around and one of us – I can’t remember who because I was SO wasted – said, “Hey, let’s run over and get married,” kind of like little kids do when they’re, you know, little. So we did.

NEL: And then?

BS: Well, when I came to the next morning I had this pounding headache and the runs like you would not believe. All the shades were closed in the hotel room – and if you’ve ever stayed in a hotel room you know that it can be the middle of the day and if those things are closed it is still pitch black in the room – so I didn’t even realize that Jason was there. After about a good 45 minutes in the crapper, I stumbled back into bed and fell right on him. He jumped, which scared the shit out of me so bad, I literally threw up right on his face.

NEL: Bet he appreciated that.

BS: You know, now that I look back on it, he really didn’t seem all that bothered by it. Hmm, that’s weird.

NEL: Well, you know what they say: “Different strokes . . .”

BS: Yeah, I guess.

NEL: So, are you surprised by all the media attention this has received?

BS: I suppose I should be, but to be honest with you, sugar – I’m really not. Anymore it seems like the littlest things I do become plastered all over the place. I guess its just like you always say with people and their fascination with celebrities. I just don’t understand it. I mean, so I got drunk and married someone on a whim? People do that all the time, yet when I do it, Entertainment Tonight dedicates a week’s worth of shows to it.

Same thing with the whole Madonna incident. Women open-mouth kiss other women all the time, yet I kiss Madonna and I can’t get a moment’s rest.

NEL: Ooh, yeah, what about that – what was that like?

BS: It really wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, it’s not like I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’ve kissed plenty of people, just never a washed up pop icon trying to latch on to whatever shred of mainstream popularity she can get a hold of.

NEL: Yeah, that was pretty pathetic.

BS: I mean, don’t get me wrong – I love Madonna and what she’s done for all of us as female pop icons/sex symbols. But, let’s be honest, it really was sad. I mean, she came up to me literally minutes before we were supposed to go on, and was all like, “Oh, Britney please do this with me. Just think of all the press we’ll get for it. We can be the biggest story ever. We’ll be huge.” And, I’m all like, “Whatever, grandma – I don’t know what this ‘we’ crap is. I’m already huge, I don’t need to make out with your old ass to be a big hit.” After a while, I just started to feel bad for her, so I said yes just to get her to stop bugging me.

NEL: Man, that really is pathetic. But it was still hot.

BS: Eh – truthfully, Hon, it didn’t do anything for me.

NEL: Yeah, that’s understandable. I can only imagine what she must smell like. I just get the impression that she really reeks. Don’t ask me why, I just do.

BS: You’re not far off with that.

NEL: Besides, I think most everyone would have much rather seen you kiss Christina anyhow. That would have really blown people’s minds.

BS: That’s the thing that kills me about this whole issue. It’s not like I was the only one there, you know. Christina was there and she kissed Madonna too, but you’d never know it because the cameramen at the VMA’s were too concerned with Justin’s reaction to me, rather than shooting her. I mean – what the hell is THAT about?

NEL: I don’t think you’ll find too many people disagreeing with that sentiment. I’m surprised someone didn’t lose their job over that one. Lord knows if I were in charge over there, heads would’ve rolled.

BS: Truthfully, I would have rather kissed Christina anyhow. She is just so hot, don’t you think?

NEL: Well, I don’t want My Baby’s Mama beating me, so I’m going to respectfully decline that one. Suffice it to say, I think you’ve just helped a good portion of the male population between the ages of 13-16 sleep much, much better tonight with that one.

BS (blushing): Oh, stop that. You’re embarrassing me.

NEL: Oh come on, now – what do you think all those boys are doing with those calendars? Astronomy homework?

BS: Truthfully, I try not to think about it.

NEL: I don’t blame you – that’s pretty sick. So, anyhow – what’s next for you? You’ve climbed the top of the pop charts, made fans of millions of teeny-boppers and oversexed young men, starred in a movie that approximately 16 people went to see, made out with a washed up old hag with a Peter Pan complex and had a quickie Vegas marriage annulled faster than most people take to purchase a car. How can you possibly top any of that?

BS: Well, that’s a really good question. Honestly, part of me wants to stay out of the spotlight and keep my personal life separate from my business life, but I’ve found that anytime I’m away from a camera for more than 36 to 48 hours, I start to get this really weird twitch. At first I just thought it was nerves or from not drinking, so I started drinking more. However, when I was getting hammered and still getting that twitch, I started to worry. Then, one night someone came over and asked to get a picture with me and all of a sudden, the twitching stopped. Sure enough, the next time the twitching started, I went up to a fan to see if she wanted get a picture taken with me – but she got all freaked out so I had to wait until a group of teenage boys came by – but sure enough, we took the picture and the twitching stopped again.

NEL: Wow. That’s just fascinating.

BS: I know, isn’t it? So, now I just keep a portable camera with me in case the twitching starts. Sometimes I scare people, coming at them, twitching like crazy and asking them to take pictures with me, so I usually try to find teenaged boys. They could care less about the twitching – especially if I’m wearing a low-cut blouse.

NEL: Yup, they sure are a resilient bunch.

BS: But, still I’d really like to take some time off and just be Britney. No touring, no video shoots, no paparazzi . . . well, maybe one, just so I don’t have to keep buying these portable cameras all the time – just me and my friends – hanging out, drinking, partying and having a good old time, just relaxing on a beach somewhere.

NEL: Sounds like a major scene.

BS: Well, you know how it is . . . all work and no play makes Brit a dull girl.

NEL: So I’ve heard.

BS: So – you sure you don’t want to take me up on my offer?

NEL: Really, Britney – I appreciate it, but I just can’t. It just wouldn’t look right.

BS: Well, like I said – the offer is always open.

NEL: Thanks. You’re a doll.