I came to an incredibly sad realization the other evening.
I’ve become my father.
I say this, not to disparage the man. I love my father very much. He’s a good guy – a bit on the nerdy side – but in a good way. Not at all unlike a fatherly version of Urkel.
But, I digress…
No, I say this because I spent part of Sunday night watching the MTV Music Awards.
And I had absolutely no idea who 95% of the people on there were.
Britney Spears – who, in what had to be a fix that would make Vince McMahon embarrassed to be associated with it, won three awards – opened the show. I knew her. That was good.
After that, I was lost.
This upsets me to no end.
For the longest time, I used to consider myself pretty hip. Not hip, so much, in that people are attracted to me or long to be in my company or that I know all the great places to hang out or anything like that. Even though I haven’t regularly kept up with most current music for years, I at least have always known enough to be aware of who was who, what the popular songs were and so forth. Not anymore.
Nope. No, tonight I was treated to a myriad of artists that I couldn’t have differentiated if my life depended on it. Had I not seen the different people singing to know that they, in fact, were not the same person, I probably would have assumed they were. Other than that – forget it – I had no clue.
(Author’s Note: I officially hate myself for having to write the next sentence).
When I was younger (ugh) the MTV Music Awards used to be a pretty big deal. They would always be held in a fairly big arena and have legitimate artists on there. You know – Van Halen, Guns ‘n Roses, Madonna (back before she turned British), Prince, Aerosmith, U2… you get the idea.
Now – it was just a bunch of random, moderately pretty faces that will be completely irrelevant in a couple years when the popular musical styles switch again.
Of course – I am completely ignoring the obvious question of how MTV can still host a Music Awards show, when from what I understand – they don’t even show videos anymore – but again, I digress…
The show was hosted by a rather disturbing looking character with an English accent that made the guys from Monty Python sound like they were from Mississippi. I have no idea who he is, or what sort of qualifications he has for hosting the show – apparently he’s some sort of comic – but someone at MTV obviously thought it was a good idea, so who am I to question those geniuses?
The music? Eh, it was just there. Not saying it was bad – just that there was nothing really to set it apart from any of the other music I hear these days. Rihanna sounded like Pink who sounded like Christina Aguilera, etc. As for the guys – they all sounded the same as well, but I couldn’t tell you any of their names – other than Chris Brown, and I can only tell you his name because my wife apparently gets all tingly at the mere mention of his name.
(Note to self: illegally download Chris Brown CD and play it after spiking wife’s red wine with Rohypnol.)
(Note to record industry execs who may stumble across this article: just kidding about the illegally downloading the CD. Kids – go support your local CD store… right now!)
Throughout the course of the night, we were also treated to Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter, who is now the gold standard for what all teenaged girls should look up to, despite the fact that she’s constantly leaking half-naked photos of herself to the press; three very feminine looking guys called The Jonas Brothers – who apparently are now the gold standard for what all teenaged girls should find attractive in the opposite sex, despite the fact that they look and sound like they should be called the Jonas Sisters; and a group that won Best New Artist, who had a guy (I’m pretty sure, anyhow) that was so androgynous that he made Boy George look like Arnold Schwarzenegger by comparison.
And please don’t get me started on the fact that there was only one category for rock music, or that that one award – Best Rock Song – was won by a group that I’m not actually convinced plays rock music. There were, however, at least two actual rock groups that were nominated for the award, so I guess that’s a step in the right direction. However, that was the point when I’d realized I’d had enough and went to bed.
In any event, if I were to come up with one word for all of this – I’m pretty sure it would have to be “disorienting.”
Now granted, not being a teenager (quite far from it, in fact) I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I don’t watch MTV, so I probably shouldn’t know who any of these people are. However, as I mentioned – although I haven’t been an avid viewer of MTV since my 20’s – I have always somehow managed to keep track of who was popular. This was the first time I have really felt “out of it” and it definitely stung a little bit.
(Of course, it should also be mentioned that this happened within the same 72-hour span of my 5-year old daughter telling me I smelled funny when I went to give her a kiss and my getting submitted by a guy with both of his wrists taped together in my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class, so I was a little hypersensitive to begin with).
There was one good thing about the show – all the female performers I saw A) were fairly attractive, if not downright smoking hot and B) felt the need to dress like whores. Not that this is a new development in the world of pop music, but every one I saw was wearing an outfit that was skimpy, tight, black and shiny – all of which get high points in my book. Kudos to the costume designer.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to change the batteries in my hearing aid, sit in my rocking chair and listen to my Tony Bennett records.
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