I was getting my self ready for work this morning, when I looked in the mirror and made a startling revelation.
I’m hideous.
Now, I don’t make this claim lightly, mind you. I’m a very proud person and try to take pretty good care of myself. I’m eating probably better than I ever have in my life. I’m actually getting regular workouts twice a week thanks to my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes. And I try to keep my personal grooming habits up to date, lest someone confuse me for Timmy the one-legged homeless guy that sits out in front of my building every day.
Despite all of that - I still just find myself utterly frightening.
I also, apparently, am part werewolf.
You see, what I really find most unappealing is that I have more hair on my body than most of my friends have on their heads. This is not a good thing. Body hair just repulses me to no end. Yes, I realize its natural and all that crap, but I don’t care. It disgusts me.
Sad thing is I seem to be stuck with it. You see, despite my best efforts to get rid of it, it just keeps coming back.
I’ve tried shaving it - and that’s no good. It’s a temporary fix. Plus, its time consuming and you always run the risk of cutting yourself in places that rarely see the light of day. And, let me tell you - if there’s a more unpleasureable feeling than that of a shirt running against the grain of razor stubble on your chest, I don’t want to know what it is. It’s just an uncomfortable, horribly distracting way to deal with the problem.
Nair is just as bad. It leaves you stuck with the same stubble. The hair grows back just as fast and on top of that - the smell of Nair doing whatever unholy chemical dance it does to your hair is enough to make one bury his nose in a freshly procured pile of manure. In other words - it stinks.
Plus, God forbid you accidentally get some on your nipples. Not good times. At all.
I have yet to try the waxing route, nor do I know if I ever will. Although the concept of no body hair for a couple months at a time is appealing - as is the fact that waxing takes care of any unruly stubble as well - I don’t know if spending an hour or so having hair literally ripped from my body is worth the tradeoff. I enjoy a little pain here and there as much as the next guy - but that seems just a TAD bit extreme.
Laser hair removal seems like a solid option. Unfortunately, I’ve heard even that is not completely permanent, so you have to go in for several treatments. That would especially be true for someone like me - who again - is part simian. Plus, it’s a lot more expensive than my other options. And, if they happen to charge by the square inch? Forget it.
Part of me thinks I should just stop worrying about it and live the rest of my life as the half-man, half-Sasquatch that I am. My wife claims that my overabundance of body hair is not an issue for her. I don’t buy it. Its not that I feel like she’s lying to me, per se - I just can’t envision any scenario where she looks at me, say, as I exit the shower - chest hair matted down like a soaking wet St. Bernard - and finds anything remotely appealing there. Lord knows, I don’t.
Thus, it seems as though - at least for the interim - I’m left with no other option that to go through my day-to-day life looking like a Yeti. Granted a fairly in shape, nice smelling Yeti - but a Yeti nonetheless.
Now, if you’ll excuse me - I’m going to let the kids take turns braiding my back hair…
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