So, I am officially on the job hunt.
This upsets me more than you can possibly imagine. I can not think of a more unenjoyable set of circumstances if I tried – at least, one that doesn’t involved the words “anally raped.”
It should be telling as to how much of a distaste I have for the job hunting process, that I have spent the last five years working a job that has completely drained me of any sort of creative, original thought I had left in my head. I knew this would be the case going in, yet instead of finding myself something a little more suited to my personality – I took the regularly scheduled paycheck and settled into professional ambiguity.
But, alas – all good things (or this job) must come to an end, and so I’m in the process of mentally preparing myself for what figures to be long (hopefully not) and uncomfortable (most definitely) trip through the job-hunting fantastic.
Now, I’m sure you’re reading this, thinking to yourself, “But why would you look down on the opportunity to better yourself, not only professionally, but quite possibly financially as well?” Well, I can answer that in one, simple word.
Interviewing.
I’ve often said that I could make the most successful reality series of all-time by just showing job interviews. While all job interviews are different, they share three very big similarities: they’re almost always awkward, uncomfortable and quite messy – not at all unlike sex with me. The only difference there is that one would make for great television and the other should not be viewed by anyone, under any circumstance whatsoever.
What makes the interviewing process so unnerving for me is that I am not a salesman under any circumstance – and an interview is the ultimate sales job. You have to convince some random stranger or strangers that you – above all of the other schmucks that they will talk to – are the greatest schmuck of them all, and thus, most deserving of this golden ticket that is the job opening they are dangling in front of you. It’s a daunting task for even those with the greatest of self-confidence – for someone who has the self-confidence of a 12-year old girl with acne, braces and Coke-bottle glasses like myself – it’s a nightmare.
Actually, that’s not entirely true – I do have a tremendous amount of confidence in my abilities – I’m relatively smart, am able to get along with most people and can adapt to just about any situation. It’s just that I absolutely abhor having to tell that to anyone. I don’t enjoy having to sell myself – and especially don’t like having to try and do it to some recruiter on a power-trip.
Take, for example, the man I spoke with the other morning. This was a man, with the personality of a DMV worker, who literally was scolding me for applying for a job that was going to be (admittedly) a decent drop in pay for me. However, it would also be permanent, have benefits, paid time off and – most importantly – room for growth, which are all things I am not the recipient of at my current job. When I mentioned this little fact to him, he growled to me in reply, “Well, you can’t put benefits in the bank.”
Now, I realize that not all experiences are like this and that most recruiters are probably nice enough people. It’s just that when you’re gun-shy about something already, having this sort of experience right out of the gate does not make one want to jump back in the waters. Its like I’m about jump into the ocean and I’m the chum in the middle of a bunch of sharks.
Be that as it may, I’ve known this time was coming for a while now, so there’s no point hiding from it any longer. Daddy gots to feed his family, so I guess its time to dust off the ol’ suit and practice my best car-salesman smile – because I’ve got a well-used, but still-reliable 1970 model that I need to move off the lot today.
