Given that it’s the holiday season, what better way to celebrate than to post one of my favorite “celebrity” interviews of all-time. Although the Michael Jackson one will always be my Opus, this one comes in a close second. So enjoy and hopefully I’ll start writing again sometime before I die – which, considering the way I feel at the moment – may be any minute now…
******************************************
Well, it may be Christmas Eve, but don’t think that will stop your favorite internet moron (um . . . me) from working hard to bring you the highest quality of entertainment when the chance presents itself.
I have done the impossible and secured an interview with quite possibly the hardest working man in the world – especially tonight. He has turned down all the major networks, CNN, Fox and everyone else – although he did almost relent to the WB, when they offered him his own sitcom alongside Steve Harvey.
Regardless, I was able to get him – albeit briefly – for a quick one-on-one chat, and suffice it to say – I was not disappointed. I don’t believe you will be, either.
Therefore, without any further ado, The New Empire Lounge presents to you, our exclusive one-on-one interview with the man of the hour, jolly old St. Nicholas himself . . . Santa Claus.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NEW EMPIRE LOUNGE: This is truly an honor – especially given your limited time schedule tonight. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us, Santa.
SANTA CLAUS (groggy): Wh . . . what the . . . where . . . where am I?
NEL: You’re at my house, Santa.
SC (still groggy): Um . . . what . . . what happened?
NEL: Oh, I found some old roofies from back when I was still single, so I spiked your milk and cookies. Hope you don’t mind – but you’re so quick, I wanted to make sure I got the chance to speak with you.
SC: Um . . . well that’s not very nice, you know. I have a lot of deliveries to make tonight.
NEL: Look, Santa – cut me some slack. This is the most prestigious interview a reporter could hope for – and this is coming from someone that has had exclusive interviews with Michael Jackson and Saddam Hussein in successive weeks. Did you read those, by the way?
SC: Um . . . not really. I’ve been somewhat busy lately.
NEL: Oh, well you should really check those out. Regardless, listen – I’m a little nobody working on a fledgling website, just trying to make a name for myself. Certainly, you wouldn’t begrudge me a few moments of your time to help a fella out in the spirit of the holidays, now would you?
SC: I don’t know . . . I really am on a tight timeframe.
NEL: Come on! Besides, don’t think Brokaw or that goofy looking guy from Telemundo won’t try the same thing. In fact, I have it on pretty good authority that Wolf Blitzer put some horse tranquilizers in the carrots he left for the reindeer. So, either way you probably want to watch yourself.
SC (getting less jolly): Okay, okay – fine! You can have your interview. Just make it fast.
NEL: Wow, thanks Santa. You’re the best.
SC: Yeah, whatever. Like I said, just make it quick.
NEL: Okay, so first question – exactly how DO you know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice? I mean, that’s a whole lot of people to check up on. You have to have some sort of help, right? What is it, spies? In-house surveillance? Are you a warlock?
SC: Oh no, it’s nothing like that. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you exactly how it’s done – there’s an upstart group on the other side of the North Pole that is trying to move in on my operations and for them to find out how I keep track of these things would ruin me. Suffice it to say, our method works great – in fact, it’s nearly fool proof.
NEL: Okay, but what about the kids in some of the more impoverished neighborhoods – not all those kids are bad, but still they’re left without presents. Your response to this, sir?
SC: Are you kidding? What kind of question is that? Look – have you seen some of these neighborhoods? Like I need to worry about getting hit by a stray bullet from some drug deal gone bad down on the street. I try and get to as many of those houses as I can, but man – those dealers are using armor piercing bullets these days – you can’t do anything to protect yourself.
NEL: But, aren’t you magical or immune to stuff like that or something?
SC: Nope. I’m just a normal man like you.
NEL: Normal? Pardon me, Santa – but I’ve never ridden around on a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer, going to every house in the world in the span of one night. Though, now that I think about it, there was that one time, after a Dead concert – I think I got the brown acid or something . . . but, um . . . that’s a story for another time. You know what I’m saying, right Santa?
SC (nervously): Um . . . ha, ha – right.
NEL: Okay – so, what’s the deal with these reindeer, anyhow? How in the heck to you get them to fly so quick – or, at all for that matter? Are there cattle-prods involved?
SC: Oh, no – nothing like that! My goodness, where would you ever get such an idea? I would never do something so inhumane.
NEL: I don’t know – I’ve never seen a deer fly before, so I figured there must be some sort of trickery or electro-shocking involved.
SC: My heavens, I would never treat another living creature so cruelly.
NEL: Come on, now – don’t pull that crap on me. You’ve got them harnessed to a sleigh, pulling your tubby ass and enough toys for all the kids in the world – I can’t imagine that’s really a major improvement from prancing around in the forest. Not to mention, it looks like you had to whack a cow or two to get those nice, shiny boots, eh? I’d also bet that that’s not all milk and cookies floating around in that belly of yours . . . I’m sure there’s a steak or a burger mixed in somewhere, no?
SC (more nervously): Um . . . well, perhaps . . . um . . . regardless, I treat the reindeer very well. As for the flying, this is another of my secrets that I’d rather not divulge. Aside from the previously mentioned corporation, I’ve heard that Sony is now working on throwing a plant up my way as well. If that happens, forget it – there’s just no way I can keep up with the Japanese in terms of pure productivity. The elves are good – but they’re not that good.
NEL: Come on, man – work with me here. You’re not giving me anything good – just a bunch of fluff. I’m not Diane Sawyer, you know. Give me something to work with.
SC: Well, okay – I’ve actually been dying to tell this to someone anyhow: you know, Mrs. Claus really likes it when I put my finger in her...
NEL: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa there, big fella! Take it easy now. That’s one vision I don’t think any of us need to have to try to erase from our memory banks, thank you. I guess that falls under the category of “Be careful what you wish for” eh?
SC: Hey – you asked. NEL: Point taken.
SC (looking at his watch and becoming even less jolly): Look, um . . . are we about done here? I really need to get on with this thing.
NEL: Hold your horses, round boy, just a couple more questions. Okay – what’s the deal with Rudolph? I mean, so the poor thing had a red nose – you really think it was fair to ostracize him for it?
SC: Hey now, I’ve admitted that I messed up that one. I mean, look at it from my perspective: I have to keep these reindeer happy – this night isn’t easy on any of us. A couple of them – I won’t mention any names – were a little uncomfortable with the idea of a red-nosed reindeer on the squad. I had to look at the big picture: hurt the feelings of one reindeer, or risk losing several other reindeer from the team and potentially ruin Christmas for millions of children everywhere. At the time, it seemed like the obvious thing to do.
NEL: And now?
SC: Now, it’s quite obvious that I – that we all – made a mistake. Rudolph really came through for us that foggy Christmas Eve. He ignored the slights that the other reindeer made towards him – and believe me, there were some really bad, ugly things happening there – and proved that he was the bigger man, er . . . reindeer. Plus, the other reindeer realized we were in a pinch and put their prejudices aside for the betterment of the team. I think it was a growing experience for all involved.
NEL: Wow, that’s touching.
SC: Trust me – you don’t know the half of it . . . nor do you want to.
NEL: Fair enough. Final question – where in the hell are my presents, fat man?
SC: Well, I did receive your list, and unfortunately it left me with quite the conundrum. The elves haven’t quite gotten down the art of mass producing those little blow-up dolls, so we may need to contract out for that. By the way – exactly why do you need so many, anyhow?
NEL: Uh . . . um . . . research.
SC: Sure – whatever you say.
NEL: Great. Well, thanks for stopping by to visit with us tonight, Santa. Any messages you would like to send to the boys and girls eagerly awaiting your arrival tonight?
SC: Yes – get your butts to bed. It’s far too late for you to be up reading this. Besides, don’t bother waiting – this little fiasco here is going to have me horribly behind schedule, so I don’t know when I’ll be there anyhow. Best you all get some sleep and prepare for the big day tomorrow.
For the rest of you, please continue to visit this very fine website. I now have access to his referrer sheet and will know if you’ve been naughty and not read it. If that’s the case, rest assured you’ll be dealt with accordingly. These reindeer leave a lot of nasty stuff behind and I can make sure it ends up in your stockings – so keep reading.
Um . . . oh yeah, Merry Christmas, too!
